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If IBM made toasters. .
.
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They would want one big toaster
where people bring bread to be submitted for
overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
market for five, maybe six toasters.
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If Xerox made toasters.
. .
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You could toast one-sided or
double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter
and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for
you.
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If Radio Shack made toasters. .
.
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The staff would sell you a toaster,
but not know anything about it. Or you could buy
all the parts to build your own toaster.
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If University of Waterloo made
toasters. . .
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They would immediately spin off a
company called WatToast.
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If ParcPlace made toasters. .
.
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Their OO building block system
would be called EGGO.
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If Oracle made toasters. .
.
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They'd claim their toaster was
compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but
when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel
Engine was still in development, the Croissant
Extension was three years away, and that indeed the
whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
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If Sun made toasters. .
.
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The toast would burn often, but you
could get a really good cuppa Java.
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Does DEC still make toasters?. .
.
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They made good toasters in the
'80s, didn't they?
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If Hewlett-Packard made toasters. .
.
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They would market the Reverse
Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you
regular bread.
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If Tandem made toasters. .
.
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You could make toast 24 hours a
day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would
automatically toast you a new one.
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If Thinking Machines made toasters.
. .
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You would be able to toast 64,000
pieces of bread at the same time.
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If Cray made toasters. .
.
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They would cost $16 million but
would be faster than any other single-slice toaster
in the world.
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If The Rand Corporation made
toasters. . .
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Ît would be a large,
perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every
morning there would be a piece of toast on top of
it. Their service department would have an unlisted
phone number, and the blueprints for the box would
be highly classified government documents. The
X-Files would have an episode about it.
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If Sony made toasters. .
.
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The ToastMan, which would be barely
larger than the single piece of bread it is meant
to toast, can be conveniently attached to your
belt.
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If Timex made toasters. .
.
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They would be cheap and small
quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking
and keep on toasting.
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If Fisher-Price made toasters. .
.
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"Baby's First Toaster" would have a
hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that
pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
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If the Franklin Mint made toasters.
. .
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Every month, you would received
another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic
hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
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If Costco made toasters. .
.
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They'd be really cheap, as long as
you bought a six-pack of 'em.
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And, of course:
If Microsoft made toasters. .
.
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Every time you bought a loaf of
bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You
wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh
15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel
countertop), draw enough electricity to power a
small city, take up 95 percent of the space in your
kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that
lets you control how light or dark you want your
toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your
other appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but
nonetheless would buy them since most of the good
bread only works with their toasters.
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If Apple made toasters. .
.
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It would do everything the
Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
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